>> >
> > Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
> > first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Bill
> >
> > For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this
> > is... They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
> > around.. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe
> > Plaza Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was
> > visiting from Springfield , IL
> > If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
> > for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
> > to paramedics at a chile cook-off in New Mexico

> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chile
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
> > directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> > assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili
> > wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
> > beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> > CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild..
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
> >
> > CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> > when they saw =0 Athe look on my face.
> >
> > CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> > Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> >
> > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from
> > all of the beer.
> >
> > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.. Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chile.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> > to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
> > maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
> > starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> > chile an aphrodisiac?
> >
> > CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
> > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more =0 Atomato. Must
> > admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> > chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> > pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher .. I wonder if I'm burning
> > my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
> > stop screaming. Screw them.
> >
> > CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of
> > spices and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> > Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> > will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> > except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
> > with a snow cone.
> >
> > CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
0A> > chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
> > about judge number #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> > cursing uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which
> > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> > shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.. I've
> > decided to stop breathing.. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
> > any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> > 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too
> > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild
> > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> > passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself.
> > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> > reacted to really hot chile?
> > Judge # 3 - No Report